This guy is on top of it.
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.
What do you call a $1000 door?
A grand entrance
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
I’ll never let my children watch the orchestra
There’s way too much sax and violins
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD
A trip without the kids.
Why haven’t Aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle…..
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle. Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters Wife: Apps Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters Wife: Teen Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters Wife: Didn’t Husband: Take a life, 4 letters Wife: Kill Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters Wife: Hymns Husband: Santa’s little helper, 3 letters Wife: Elf
A married Irishman went into the confessional…
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, naked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!” My mother told this joke… I dont know if its original
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer.
It just kept ringing.
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
I can’t stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]
Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
It takes balls to be a semen donor
No text found
If ‘A’ is for apple, and ‘B’ is for banana, what is ‘C’ for ?
Plastic explosives
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with…
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
What did James’s mom say to him when couldn’t make friends in school?
Bond. James bond.
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
“I made a pencil with two erasers.”
"It was pointless."
