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The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
I called the doctor and screamed, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Calm down, is this her first child?”
I shrieked, “No! This is her husband!"
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.
The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened. He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole. Last thing I remember is I lifted the tail and shouted ‘HONEY! This looks like yours!!!!’”
Pedro and Juanita
Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar. One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to feel your titties." Juanita says "Pees off you peeg." So he carries on drinking and a while later he says "Hey Juanita, I want to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out." So Juanita storms up the stairs and wakes Pedro. She says "Pedro, Pedro there is a man in the cantina. He says he wants to kiss me all over my body." Pedro jumps off the bed and grabs his machete. He says "Where is he? I will cut him in half." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to feel my titties." Pedro says "Where is he, I will cut in half twice." Juanita says "That's not all, he says he wants to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all out." Pedro looks disappointed, he puts the machete down and lies down on the bed again. Juanita says "Are you not going to cut him in half." Pedro says "No, any man that can eat that much ice cream is too big for me to fight with."
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
State of the subreddit and the Hackathon, and going forward
So, the first thing I’d like to clear up is that the final Hackathon stream will finally be taking place this week and judging will conclude approximately a week later. Then we’ll hand out the prizes, announce the winners and get this whole thing done with. Extremely sorry for the long wait, but scheduling differences have made it very difficult to get everything fully coordinated. We’ll be running the next one sometime next year (likely in the summer), along with some big plans, so stay tuned. twitch.tv/programmerhumorNow, as for the subreddit: despite our new Rule #0 and strike system (although it has still been extremely beneficial), we’ve still been receiving much too many low effort and barely programming related posts. This is partially an issue of enforcement, and partially due to the subjectivity of r0. To remedy this, we’ve come up with two possible changes:All posts must go through moderator approval before being allowed on the subreddit.We will hold “Memeless Mondays”, in which all analogy memes which use non-OC templates will not be allowed. So this is good, this is not.Please note that we are not implementing these changes yet. We’d like to see your take on them first – what could we improve? What could we clarify? Could they work at all? Why or why not? We don’t want this subreddit wiped clean of posts, which 24/7 memeless would do, but I feel as if holding an experiment like this would definitely be a good idea. Tell us what you think. We’ll also be bringing back our repost bot soon, which will definitely bring at least a small improvement to content quality.However, our zeroth change will require a very significant new load on moderators. After the Hackathon concludes, we’ll be opening up applications again for several new mods (preferably as many as possible in the east). If you’d like to make ProgrammerHumor about actual ProgrammerHumor again, then’s your chance, so keep an eye out.Thanks for reading this and especially thanks if you give any feedback – this would be a huge shift for the subreddit so it’s not going to be taken lightly.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.
Thank you
This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you 💖
Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.
But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
I once walked in on my teachers having sex
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
Did you know it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust
Son comes home from school…
Son: Dad, we got a strange new girl in class today with a really weird name… Dad: Now son, you shouldn’t think less of a person because of that person’s name. Son: I understand. Dad: Just curious, what is her name? Son: Nonstick Cookingspray Dad: ……what the hell kind of name is that? Son: That’s what I said! I tried calling her Pam but… Dad: …but what..,? Son: It just didn’t stick.
Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?
I'm asking for a friend.
When a senior dev couldn’t solve your problem so you two call another senior to help
https://ift.tt/2xJMN9H
I proposed to my ex-wife.
But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
LPT : If you ever get locked out of your house,
Talk to your lock calmly because communication is key.
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.
Edit : Mother of three.. Edit2 : Mother of two… Edit3 : Mother of one….. Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..