This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
I got pulled over by the police yesterday
I was a bit nervous and a little flustered, so the policeman thought I was under the influence. He gave me a breath test, which I passed, but he was still not convinced. He then called in the sniffer dog, and when it arrived it promptly had a good sniff inside my vehicle. "Look here son", the policeman said to me, sternly. "This dog is telling me you have drugs on you" I looked at him, dead in the eye and said "mate, you're the one with the talking dog"
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!”
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
My dad suffers from short term memory loss…
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
I bought a pencil that was claimed to be owned by William Shakespeare, but the lettering’s all faded.
I’m not sure whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
No text found
A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name
'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
My friend hit me with a full bottle of Coke…
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
Clean.
http://bit.ly/2UPYocB
Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
AveryTech Company
This is the most advanced and comfortable gaming desk on the planet. It even has power and usb outlets in the drawers and cabinets and the entire surface supports wireless fast charging. It uses our own patented one-of-a-kind power cable with-built in backup battery to deliver completely uninterupted charging and power. This amazing desk starts at just $199.Legs and power cable sold separately at two thousand dollars each.6 months later: Unfortunately we will be ending support for this desk.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”
Then she did and my day was ruined.
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
I don’t trust French food
It always gives me the crêpes
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up…
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out