This handmade lamp is the bomb
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
and I've already got a friend in me.
I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.
It runs in your genes.
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
That spoke volumes.
They're always getting laid.
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
I said, "you're full of crap"
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
It doesn't last long for fat people.
… it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house
He couldn’t see that well.