This has aged remarkably well….
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
My dad’s boomer friend just posted this. Wife bad. Must kill. Then maybe grill.
https://ift.tt/2KJT4VX
What do you call a turkey’s evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
What did the reindeer say to a kid before telling them a joke?
“This one is gonna sleigh you.”
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
Kina want to tell the pediatrician I speak Old English just to see what happens…
https://ift.tt/2LZRzU4
You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
As I suspected, someone’s been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car?
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
A knight was trying to woo several maidens he knew with some jokes…
He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."
A tomb raider goes into a pyramid
She enters the pyramid after hearing that the pharaoh holds a great artifact. She hops and dodges all kinds of traps until she gets caught by a zombie slave. Slave says: I'm going to make you a slave. He forces the raider into the slave room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She finishes off other zombie slaves until she gets caught by a guardian. Guardian says: I'm going to make you a guardian. He forces the raider into the guardian room where he jumps on her in sexual intent. She barely escapes and goes deeper into the pyramid. She avoids other guardians and enters the sarcophagus room. The mummy rises and grabs the raider. Mummy says: I'm going to make you a mummy. Raider says: At least you're clear on your intentions.
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!
It's best to just pick them up.
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
My dentist pulled a wrong tooth
it was accidental
My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
My penis was once on the Guinness book of world records
And now I'm no longer allowed in the library
Last night I lost my watch at a party.
Later on I saw some guy harassing a woman while standing on it, so I walked up and punched him in the face. Nobody does that to a woman…. not on my watch
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.