THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY FAVORITE THING 😭😩
They didn't like me critter sizing.
With a pair of Caesars
It’s made with hole milk.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Olive the other reindeer!
Police think it is race-related
It really makes my day.
He was in De Nile
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me
I decided to let the kid sleep
We broke up because she couldn’t stomach my cheesy jokes.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.
When he found out he was madder than hell.
The more ohms, the greater the resistance.
…has only made me stronger.
But he really saved the History channel.
To cover its butt quack
The guys that think they're on a double date
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
Now she's a shovel
Soon, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.” “No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.” “The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar.” “And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drank my poison”
There was nothing in the world he loved more than eyes.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist. Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted? Scientist 2: Br.
Flummoxed, I asked my wife, “Honey, the kids don’t want to eat their vegetables. What do you want me to do?” She shouted back from the other room, “That’s fine. Just throw them out, dear!”
Later, I told them, "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are!" as I helped them pack their suitcases…