This has gone too far.
My son asked me and my SO why koala’s aren’t considered bears
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: “ok, this isn’t working out.”
No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl
They don’t like turning their back on family
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
A woman went to a dance and hit it off with a guy there.
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?” He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.” He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.” “You mean measles?” “No…kneesles.” Then he removed his underwear. She sighed… “Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”
My girlfriend changed a lot since she became vegan
It's like I have never seen herbivore
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
What’s the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?
Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little
“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
Something a climate denier told me
I dont know if this goes here but I think you all would find it funny.I was talking to a cousin about climate change (he claims its a hoax and that it is happening, but says not because of humans, in the same conversation). He said something that I just cant understand he said”if a fact CANNOT be disputed than it is not a fact.”Last time I checked facts where facts because they could not be disputed.
I hate immigrants…
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days