She asked me to move out with her.
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says “How do you spell ‘penis’?”. My wife looks at me curiously and then asks “Why?”
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
It’s where the devil appears and asks the priest to get out of the child.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp. Inside is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. "I want to go home," says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. "I want to go home, too," says the second friend. The genie sends her back home. "I'm lonely," says the third friend. "I sure wish my friends were back here."
You’ve seen the mall.
It will help you in the long run.
But I’m 2² to say it.
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
It ended up making him sluggish.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”
…by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy…
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity
He makes gunpowder for a living.
..between the tits.
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Dead Man Wokking
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend. Her father suddenly slammed the door open and started screaming at her. "Dad, I'm sorry!", she said. The father turned to me and, from the top of his lungs, he started screaming: "Are you fucking sorry?"
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
He should have hired her!
Destruction of government property
Because they lactose.
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
Ass skin for a friend
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep