This hit me hard
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- “You gave me one too many” Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
What do you call a male Mummy with a cold?
I'm not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.
“Dad, whose music did you listen to when growing up?”
Dad: Led Zeppelin. Son: Who? Dad: Yes. They were good too.
How easy is it to get reddit karma?
It's a piece of cake.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.
It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
I found an origami porn channel.
But it's paper view only.
![[Onutė (a name) looks so natural.] [You’re right, when she was alive, she looked like a corpse already]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/kyk6460th3y41-400x479.jpg)
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
Friends are like snow
When you pee on them, they disappear.
The three unwritten rules of life
1. 2. 3.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible
No text found
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
I don’t get why everyone wants Trump to be a peach…
When he would look perfectly natural dressed as an orange.
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?” The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?” The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?” The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse….ALONE.” The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: “Listen very carefully, you fcuking dickhead, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”
conjuctivitis.com
now that's a site for sore eyes
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
“Timmy, what’s 119+1?” Asked the teacher.
"5!" Yelled Timmy. "Yes Timmy, that is correct."
German Dream
We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs