“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware.”
A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time…
… and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, " says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.
He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?" "For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies. "That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony. He extends his hand and says "Shake!" The pony promptly performs the trick. The man produces another dollar. "Play dead!" The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while. "How about a tougher one?" the man says and puts another dollar in the jar. "What's eleven minus five?" The pony stomps with a hoove six times. "This is incredible" he exclaims. The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault. After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says: "Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can't do?" "He can't sing" the man replies. The guy considers this for a bit. "Why can't he sing" the guy asks. The man looks him in the eye. "He's a little horse."
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
My teacher always starts her class by reading one of the posts from r/jokes, but today she’s absent.
So instead, a subreddit.
Just found out why my toast kept getting burnt
My toaster had pop-up blocker on.
If someone stole a Tesla
Would it be called an Edison?
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger
are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of." Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been three times. I wish I could be taken seriously as an actor." They think about it for a few minutes, and Stallone says, "We should do a serious film. A historical." Arnold grins his huge toothy grin, immediately warming to the idea. "A period piece. That's a great way for our acting comebacks to be taken seriously." Stallone, as the film auteur, keeps working on it. "We want people to be emotionally affected by it. Music really moves people. Can we do something about music?" Schwarzenegger agrees. "We could do classical music. You're Italian; you could play an Italian composer." Sylvester says, "I'll play Vivaldi!" Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
Underage drinking is a massive problem in my house.
My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years. He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
Did you hear about the Erectile Dysfunction Anonymous meeting?
It's alright, nobody came.
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
My Dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him
Eventually I folded
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes.
But none of them work
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
Give ‘em the punchline first!
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.