This is a daily occurrence
My stupid cousin thinks he’s collected one of every board game ever made.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast
I tried to re-marry my ex wife
But she figured out I was only after my money.
Scientists pinpoint the initial cross-species transmission episode back to 1992
https://ift.tt/3aJJm0B
Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married…
The ceremony wasnât much but the reception was incredible!
What are Mexican proteins made of?
Amigo acids
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
New Tesla’s dont have a new car smell
The come with a Elon Musk.
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.
They said that if my tents get blown away, I wonât be covered.
I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a womanâs body.
Then I was born.
What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in the backside?
A mega sore ass.
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
Itâs April 1st…
Happy April Fluâs Day!
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.
Theyâre his watch dogs!
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted……..
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
As a scarecrow, people say Iâm outstanding in my field.
But hay, itâs in my jeans.
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
No text found
I didnât lose my virginity til I was 23…
other than that, prison wasnât too bad.
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if Iâm gonna have sex, itâs going to be on my own Accord.
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
There once was a young engineer,
who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"
Why did the lawyer go to culinary school?
He wanted to be a sue chef.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein is counting. Pascal runs and hides, but Newton just draws a square and sit down. Einstein opens his eyes and exclaims, “Newton, I’ve found you!”
Newton replies, "No, you found Newton over a square meter. You've found Pascal!"
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
If you smoke seaweed
You need professional kelp
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the momâs pubic hair and says âMommy, whatâs that?â The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies âUh, itâs my washclothâ. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. âMommy! Where did your washcloth go?â the girl says in shock. âI lost it, honeyâ replies the mom. âOk!â The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, âMommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!â âYou did?! Where was it??â âThe maid has it!â the daughter shouted âAnd sheâs washing daddyâs face with it!â
[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar
Grandfather: âCan your dick touch your ass?â Johnny: âNo.â Grandfather: âThen no cookies for you.â A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, âHey, can I have a beer?â Grandfather: âCan your dick touch your ass?â Johnny: âHell yeah!â Grandfather: âWell then go fuck yourself.â
Joke
A mother asks her son: "Bob, do you think Iâm a bad mom?" – Son: "My name is Paul."
Two termites walk into a bar and ask
Is the bar tender here?
