This is a new one I’m probably gonna use with a friend
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
So I let him drive it from time to time
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
It’s a small scale operation.
You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
My daughter asked me for a recommendation for a good book. I told her I had the perfect book in my collection for her to read. It has drama, romance, betrayal, excitement, action, love, loss, heroes, villians, mystery and puzzles. Pretty much everything really. Excitedly she asked me for it.
I handed her the dictionary.
But my wife said that was irrational.
Au Au Au
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!" Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent. "Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog, "You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?" "Nonsense," says his dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll raise tomorrow from these suckers!"
Throw them in the Main stream.
One has a large cut. The second surgeon asks “would you like me to stitch that up for you?” The first surgeon says “no thanks, I’d prefer to close my own wound” The second surgeon replies “suture self”
I told her we use names here
"By?" "No, he's straight from what I know."
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
He says: "I refuse to say anything without a lawyer present." Cop: "You are a lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, so where is my present?"
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins? Yes, how can I help you? Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling Oh, hi Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands! Really? Wow! That’s.. Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
Because they have anty bodies.
If they’re pasta expiration date.
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new boat", I thought to myself.
It was here a minute ago.
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
"No sir it'll be round." *joke courtesy of a local restaurant
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
If you take something else, that’s another thing
They work just fine outside as well
What would confuse the guys that build our app the most? IE 5.5 for Mac? Mosaic 0.9 on a PlayStation? An LG fridge?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.