This is a paradise… for Houston rap fans anyway.

A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.
The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip. The American gone first. He wished for a shield made of titanum steel. But the shild held only for two strikes. At the first strike of the demonic whip it severely deformed, at the second strike it protected the American, but completely fell appart. The third strike killed the poor American. Then came the Indian. "I don't need anything to protect myself.", said the Indian. "I practiced yoga for decades, both my mind and my body are ready to withstand any punishment that you whip will give." And so he did. Demon's whip didn't leave even a scar on yogi's body . "Okay, you passed my test", the demon said,"You can go". "I will stick around for while, I'm curious about what the Brit will do." The demon asked the Brit: "Now it's your turn. What will you use to protect yourself?". "Why, the Indian, of course!".
I’m 29 and my 30th birthday is tomorrow. My gf asked if I feel old yet.
I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."
A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.
Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes? Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, Iβve been teaching psychology for over 40 years. Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people. Prof: easy, thatβs a necrophiliac. Student: how about someone who is aroused by feces? Prof: thatβs not so common but I believe they call those people coprophiliacs. Student: Wow, you know a lot. Ok, what about me? Iβm aroused by sticking my junk into a bag of cashews. What would you call me? Prof: well Iβd say your fucking nuts.
I just saw a woman on horseback.
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
I was addicted to masturbating, now Iβm addicted to sex.
Itβs really gotten out of hand.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
I've said it before.
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought heβd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. βRabbi,β he said, βI noticed that you buy a lot of candles.β βYes,β answered the Rabbi. βWell, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?β he asked. βA good question,β noted the Rabbi. βWe actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.β βOh,β replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought heβd go on, in the traditional obnoxious way… βRabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?β βAh, yes,β replied the Rabbi calmly, βwe actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.β βOh,β replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. βWell, Rabbi,β he went on, βwhat do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?β βYes, here too, we do not waste,β answered the Rabbi. βWhat we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.β βThe IRS?β asked the auditor in disbelief. βAh, yes,β replied the Rabbi, βthe IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.β
Did you hear about the psychic midget prison escapee?
Heβs a small medium at large
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night
When behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER FASTER BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and… The coffin stops.
I have been saying “mucho” more often while talking to my hispanic friends
It means a lot to them
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My daughter asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I told her "No, I'm going to put it up in the living room."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead reach the steps to heaven, when they meet God.
As they are about to start climbing the 100 steps to heaven, God says, "Wait!" "At every step I will tell you a joke, if you don't laugh, you can go to heaven." The girls agree, and start climbing. On the 27th step, the redhead starts laughing, and disappears. On the 77th step, the brunette can't hold in her laughter, and disappears. On the 99th step, the blonde begins to laugh. Before making her disappear, God asks, "You were so close, why would you start laughing." To which the blonde replies, "I finally got the joke from the first step."
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100
A solid 10, but also imaginary
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
Passwords
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired – you must register a new one." roses "Sorry, too few characters." pretty roses "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." 1 pretty rose "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." 1prettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." 1fuckingprettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character." 1FUCKINGprettyrose "Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively." 1FuckingPrettyRose "Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow! "Sorry, you cannot use punctuation." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow "Sorry, that password is already in use."
When is a Dad joke not a Dad joke.
When it's told by a Catholic Priest. Then it's a Father joke.
Why is North Korea worse than South Korea?
They have no Seoul .
Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery…
Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do? Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
I wrote the names of everyone Iβve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now heβs high on my list of people I never want to see again.
The greatest Schrodinger punchline…
or maybe not.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
I really need to cut my fingernails,
theyβre getting out of hand..
There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.