This is actually me
So she can moan with the other.
It was Riveting.
It's finger licking good
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
It was the alpaca-lips.
Ernie: Sure Bert!
..At Taco Bell.
As they're knocking at the Pearly Gates, St Peter turns around and whispers… "Turn out the lights and everybody be quiet!! Maybe they'll think we're not home."
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.
They say she had a mean flow.
but with extra steps!
She seemed surprised…
The class had just scratched the surface!
I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas."
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.
I told her, " You must be sitting on the F5 key, because that butt is refreshing." … She said, "No it's Alt +F4". I just got shut down.
Because they are hill areas!
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
I can't see them anywhere.
Because their horns don’t work.
Because they're paper view.
They run a shady buisness
It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
Me: Why? Doctor: Because it's distracting.
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!" "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language." The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. " One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a… I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counter, and produces an apple which he sets in front of his customer. The man is a bit confused and reiterates his order, stating “I asked for a Crown and 7, I’m not very hungry…” The bartender smirks and tells his patron “Sir, that is what I have given you… go ahead and take a bite.” The man bites into the apple, and to his amazement it tastes like 7-Up. “Can I have one of these, but with Crown?” the man asks. The bartender smirks again and tells him to turn the apple around. The man does this and is even more amazed that the apple is an edible mixed drink. A second man walks into the bar, and takes a seat. The bartender greets him, asking what this second customer would like. The man #2 responds with “I’ll have a Jack and coke.” Again, the bartender briefly searches beneath the counter and produces an apple which he places in front of man #2. “What the fuck is this? I ordered a drink, not a damn apple!”, man #2 says in an irritated manner. The firs customer hears man #2’s dismay, and tells him that he needs to try the apple. Man #2 bites into the apple and smiles once he realizes that the bite he took actually tastes like Jack Daniels. He proceeds to ask for a cola mixer, to which the bartender replies “turn it around”. Man #2’s attitude diminishes, and he sits to enjoy his apple. Shortly after, a third man walks in and takes a seat between man #1 and man #2. Man #3 is confused that 2 men in a bar are eating apples rather than drinking. He’s so perturbed by this he decides to ask them both, “why the hell are both of you sitting here eating apples instead of enjoying a few drinks?” Man #1, already on his third apple, is excited to share his newfound love of apples with the man sitting next to him, “you tell the bartender what kind of drink you want, and he has an apple with those exact flavors! I’m eating a Crown and 7 right now!” In disbelief, man #3 looks at man #1 and call him an idiot and a liar. Man #2 who is on his second apple chimes in, “he’s not lying. I’m enjoying my Jack and coke flavored apple. It’s like he’s got an apple for any flavor you want…” Man #3 is perplexed and takes a look at the bartender and asks, “is that true?” The bartender only responds with a nod of his head. Man #3 decides he wants to show the other two men that it’s some cheap parlor trick. He grins, looks at the bartender and says, “You got any that taste like pussy?” The bartender doesn’t hesitate, and immediately takes a look beneath the counter. Once again, he produces an apple and sets it in front of man #3. Man # 3 takes a look at the other 2 patrons who are eager for him to share their love for the magical apples. Man #3 takes a bite, expecting it to taste only like an apple. As soon as the bite touches his tongue, he spits it out. “This tastes like shit!”, man # 3 exclaims. The bartender grins and says “turn it around…”
Hey everyone,A lot to cover in this post, but first of all, just wanted to note that the People’s Choice Winner of the Hackathon was voted to be selfCAPTCHA (/u/selfCAPTCHA), so congratulations to its author. We’ll be hosting the next Hackathon sometime next summer.With that aside, we’re finally ready to implement a big rule change that should hopefully improve the content quality of the subreddit. Every Monday, starting November 18th, will now be declared a Memeless Monday. This means:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.We’ll be pinning reminders every Monday to ensure nobody is left in the dark about the rule change. If we find that this isn’t increasing subreddit quality at all (at least for a short period of the week), we’ll either modify or abandon the change. If you have any feedback which you feel will make Memeless Mondays more effective, please do leave it below.Due to user feedback, we won’t be moving the subreddit to approval only (which was probably entirely unrealistic in the first place).Now, mod applications – like programming? Hate memes? Did the previous paragraph give you a burning desire to routinely exterminate them every Monday? Do you use Arch? We’ve got a position for you. We’re looking for a few active, passionate (as if) moderators preferably in the Eastern Hemisphere (if you’re not, still feel free to apply). Previous experience is always good but being reasonable, active on Reddit and knowing some programming is even better. Apply here.Thanks for reading. Now go and make some relevant, high quality, funny jokes or we’ll just end up automating the entire subreddit, it would be a lot less work on our side.
And if you ask me, it’s about time.