This is America.
You know, cardi b looks alright
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
It was a sad day on Sunday
But the day before was a Saturday.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who got a promotion?
He was out standing in his field.
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.
My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path
They let me pick which medical school I'm going to
TIL eusocial insects of the family Formicidae NEVER get sick because…
…they have those tiny anty bodies…
There are 3 unwritten rules in life
1. 2. 3.
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors and not 4?
http://bit.ly/2ECQ4Zh
What did the elevator say to the stairs?
I don't know. I'll escalator.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
My neighbours listen to great music
Whether they like it or not
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
Why do hockey players wear so many pads?
Because they have 3 periods a game.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But it’s a silly comparison really, it’s like comparing Apples to Oranges.
Why Don’t Roofers Like Getting Married?
Because they prefer the shingle life!
Why was the Tatooine IRS always going after the sand people?
Because they single file to hide their numbers.
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I’m so easily distracted!…
Ah well..back to it I suppose
I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES!
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
A husband and wife were fighting.
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
What is it called when your parachute doesn’t open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
how it feels trying to learn a language
how it feels trying to learn a language
So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: “I’ll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can’t, I’ll pay you $500!”
A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor. "Doctor I cant taste anything!" Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue. The lawyer quickly spits it out and says "UGH that's gasoline!" Doc gets his $100. Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory. Doc says "No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!" Lawyer says "But that's the gasoline!!". Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated. Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight. Doc ponders a second and finally let's out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills. Lawyer says, "Hey wait that's only $5!" Doc smiles and says "That'll be $100."
guys pray for my friend. He told me he only believed 12.5% of the bible…
he said he's an eighth theist
My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwall…
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
What “supporting your neighbor looks like” from a distance during COVID-19. #respect
https://ift.tt/2VJtwgx
I have a friend with 5 legs,
His pants fit like a glove.
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful.
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.