This is America
What do you call Batman when he leaves church?
Christian Bale.
Don’t spell part backwards
It’s a trap
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on." The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down. The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sake, buy yourself a razor!"
Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!" The German says, "Danke!"
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
I love raising caterpillars as pets.
It always gives me butterflies.
I got fired from the sperm bank today
Cause every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
What do you call an Irish baker?
A ginger bread man. Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
The inventor of anagrams died today.
May he 'erect a penis'.
Did you hear about the canine comedian?
His jokes are ruff
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a day.
If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
I work for the NHS dealing with moving patients between different areas of the hospital.
It's a re-warding job.
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you’ve stepped on their tails?
It's your Yelp score
What is a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: Illegal Downloading