this is awful.
Watching an Australian cooking show and the chef made some meringue and the crowd cheered!
Surprising since most Aussies like to boo meringue.
Do you know why women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
I was going to study Nietzsche’s philosophy.
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what heâs up to?
They say sex sells…
Probably because you canât spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
Itâs all over town.
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
Apple Jews (Please donât take this offensively Iâm a dumb 12 year old)
What do you call hiking trails around an asylum?
Psychopaths
What do you call a cancer doctor when theyâre on call?
An oncologist.
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
This is definitely something my dad would say
https://ift.tt/36v2CNJ
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
Iâll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me
So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: “I’ll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can’t, I’ll pay you $500!”
A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor. "Doctor I cant taste anything!" Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue. The lawyer quickly spits it out and says "UGH that's gasoline!" Doc gets his $100. Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory. Doc says "No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!" Lawyer says "But that's the gasoline!!". Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated. Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight. Doc ponders a second and finally let's out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills. Lawyer says, "Hey wait that's only $5!" Doc smiles and says "That'll be $100."
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar inâŚ
Itâs currently half emptyâŚ
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
A truckload of Vick’s vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years…
heâll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: Iâm working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! Thatâs impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
My late father once said
Sorry Iâm late.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think of a solution in silence.
My dad sent this to me this morning. He sends shit like this all the time unironically
https://ift.tt/2Xk88k7
A husband and wife were fighting.
Wife:why is it that you don't like anyone from my side of family? Husband: No way, I love your Mother-in-law more than my Mother-in-law.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yellâDAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISHâ so the priest walks up to the fisher and says âyou canât just swear like that youâll make god angryâ on which the fisher replies âthis is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam theyâre
Dam fishâ The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife âcan you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrowâon which the wife replies surprisedâdear youâre a priest you canât just swear like thatâ on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks âcan someone pass me the dam fishâ on which the priests son replies âthatâs the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking friesâ
If Russia were to revert back to the Soviet Union than…
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion
Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo…
They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?" The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie." The son replies, "No, mom. I know what the trunk is. What's THAT thing hanging under the elephant?" He points directly to the bull elephant's now engorged member. The mother looks, blushes, and quickly says, "Oh! Um…that's nothing, sweetie." Frustrated, the son tugs on dad's shirt and asks, "Dad, what's that thing hanging underneath the elephant? I know it's not the trunk." The dad looks and calmly says, "That's the elephant's penis, son." The son asks, "When I asked mom, she said it was nothing." The dad smiles and says, "Son, I've SPOILED that woman."
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."