This is comedy.
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Whatdya call someone drowning in mayonnaise ?????????
Sinko de mayo !!!!!!!
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers 👍
How did the cannabis propose?
Marriage you wanna?
A farmer buys a young cock…
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"
I’ve just bought a bottle of head lice treatment but there’s no instructions on how to use it.
It's left me scratching my head to be honest.
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.” A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?” Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?” A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
“Everything left of Reagan is Communism” – What a magat at work actually told me on Friday.
https://ift.tt/2PNG3Og
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm
Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays a bagpipe in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says "come on octopus, what's going on?" Octopus goes "dude, I'm trying to get her pajamas off, you mind?"
I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number
I simply told her we use names here
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I’m disappointed.
I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
Sting has disappeared, The Police have no lead
No text found
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
My chemistry teacher asked me what’s an acid + base.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso
Why can’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”…
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the front door unlocked!”
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.