This is definitely me
Two satellites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that youโve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Hookers donโt fart
They let out little prosti-toots
Do you know why I donโt like stairs?
Because theyโre always up to something
Did you hear about the guy whoโs left side was cut off?
Heโs all right now.
A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy." EDIT: formatting…
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"
A guy says to his buddy, “I’m thinking about buying a labrador.”
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.
It's a coming of age story.
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician…
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!" He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers. "Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy." The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!" He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society. "Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!" The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar. In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good… but I still think you are spy." The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?" The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
They found the murderer of Captain Crunch.
It was a cereal killer.
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
Hey dad, how do you feel?
I feel with my hands. That was my dadโs go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof youโre a sandwich Itโs almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
โListen,โ said the CEO, โthis is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" โCertainly,โ said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. โExcellent, excellent!โ said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. โI just need one copy.โ
My friend charges ยฃ20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
I decided to learn sign language.
Itโs surprisingly very handy.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
Sheโs a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, “Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" He says. The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after some screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
Nowadays It is more important to see the Manufacturer country than Expire Date.
https://ift.tt/314GiIy
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
Yoghurt
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
This was my reaction after seeing some older ninjago seasons again
This was my reaction after seeing some older ninjago seasons again
Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?
She worked knights.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: โdad, canโt you just use a sponge?โ
Several scientists were all posed the following question: โWhat is 2 * 2 ?โ
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces, โ3.99โ The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces, โIt lies between 3.98 and 4.02โ The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces, โI don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!โ Philosopher smiles, โBut what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?โ Logician replies, โPlease define 2 * 2 more precisely.โ The sociologist, โI don't know, but is was nice talking about it.โ Behavioral Ecologist, โA polygamous mating system.โ Medical Student, โ4โ All others looking astonished, โHow did you know ?โ Medical Student, โI memorized it.โ
What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?
A so-be-it union.