This is definitely not me right now
I want to be a pick-up artist
But I don't even have a drivers licence
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
Wife: honey, Iâm pregnant. Weâre going to have our first kid.
Husband, with tears of joy going down his face: Hi Iâm pregnant. Weâre going to have our first kid, Iâm dad
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite Reddit sub?
IT'S FUCKING r/aww
Why was Santaâs sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
Whatâs the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
One snatches your watch and the other one watches your snatch.
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didnât stop singing Christmas songs…
I pleaded, âBut baby, itâs cold outside.â
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now weâre going nuts in quarantine.
We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off
What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as you can get.
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption âWe could all learn from this guyâ
https://ift.tt/2Udc17o
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
I have a maths joke
But Iâm 2ÂČ to say it
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today Iâm wearing pants to take her to school.
Why is suicide illegal in China ?
Destruction of government property.
Detroit isn’t That Bad… Trust Me
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying. "No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family." The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great… you'll be fine, trust me." The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?" "I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck…"
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
I canât afford anything.
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
What do you have if you have a snowball in your right and a snowball in your left hand?
Frosty's full and undivided attention!
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic
Was once asked on a job interview if I could perform under pressure.
Me: Well I don't know about that, but I'll give Bohemian Rhapsody a try.
Someone threw a can of coke at my head today….
Im ok though, it was a soft drink
Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?
Wife: What? Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying: I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'. Edit: Guys this is just a dark joke… It's not real… I didn't overhear any conversation like that… And I don't have any kids of my own…