This is ducked up
My grandpa’s “triple pun”
This joke holds a special place in my heart. My grandpa told me it and I never forgot it. About 2 years later when I brought it up to him, he didn't remember it. So I told him the joke and he peed himself laughing … At his own joke. "Why did the man ask for his eggs Benedict to be served on a hubcap?" "Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise"
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I wanna get my hands on the fuckwad that pushed me in that water!"
Had a chick pull a knife out on me and tried to cut my dick off…
She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()
I seen this while scrolling through Facebook and i think the big noses qualify enough.
https://ift.tt/2WVozS1
The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say “Get down Mr. President!”
Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"
Training for dad level jokes.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level. Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers. At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable ā an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched ā with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
She spat it right back in my face. Credits: Jimmy Carr
Rosy and Sunday school
Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class! One day, to āinadvertentlyā call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question: āWho created the universe as we know it to be?ā At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosyās friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack! Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, āGOD ALMIGHTY!ā The teacher says āyes, correct.ā Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: āWhat was the name of Gods son?ā Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again! Rosy screeches out āJESUS CHRIST!ā The teacher says āyes, correct.ā Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: āWhat did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?ā Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosyās backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out āOh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time Iāll snap it in two!ā
There has been an outbreak of mad cow disease in Austria.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
Did you know there was a Knight who always refused to fight in battle?
His name was Sir Render.
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
What do you call a dog floating in water?
A good buoy
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it
Spelling An L
Is down-right easy
What kind of organization does an atheist start?
A non-prophet one
The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray….
Is now a seasoned veteran
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because youāre supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
Batman walks into a room which alfred is Ƭn, late at night.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor? Me: No, just the regular one
Another cow joke, proudly brought to you by a six year old:
What do you call a cow thatās fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.
[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can’t see the bottom of this hole. “I wonder how deep it is.”, the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen….
….nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen….still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try that huge log over there.", says the other. Again, with a struggle, they haul this huge log to the hole, and roll it in. As they wait and listen, and seemingly out of nowhere, a goat runs up and jumps in the hole. As they both look at each other in shock, they hear a tractor coming across the field. Shortly, a farmer arrives, and asks, " Either of you boys seen my goat?". "Yeah!", they both exclaim. "One just came by and jumped in this hole!" The farmer sits back and tells them," No, no. Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a huge log."
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
Itās something I could always see myself doing
Breaking news: Ireland worse air disaster occurred last night..
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yes, my kid just told me that and then started giggling non-stop.
Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing electricity?
He was cleared of all charges.
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied āminus oneā, I said…
āYours is one what?ā
Whatās wrong with Arbyās ?
Whatās wrong with Arbyās ?
What is the abbreviation for “we have a thing”
No text found
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.