This is epicš
My girlfriend is a pornstar
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars and I said to myself,
āMy roof has disappearedā
A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building…
He yells,ā Donāt do it, you have too much potentialā
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.
"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks. "Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with. Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?" "Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy." "I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about the child's health?" "We also have in our employ a full time nurse with a degree in pediatric medicine who will be able to attend to all of our child's needs." "Well, it certainly sounds like you've thought of everything. Were you looking to adopt a girl or a boy?" "Doesn't matter", the couple tell her. "As long as it fits in the cannon."
My fish just ate another one of my fishes but itās just hanging out of his mouth
https://ift.tt/2G2jC26
What is heck?
Itās where you go if you donāt believe in gosh.
I aināt sayin she a gold digger
but she did migrate to California in 1849.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face ?
Because it's the scenter
What has 3 arms and 4 legs?
My son's shitty drawing of a snake
Online college
Worst virus my college servers has every been exposed to. When you been an online college student and now all these other students are taking online classes and the college servers can not handle this coronavirus
Bad knock-knock joke #1
Knock, knock. Who's there? Spell. Spell who? Okay, W-H-O.
My son asked me, āDad, what is coincidence?ā
I said, āWeird. I was about to ask you the same thing.ā
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
I was warned not to steal kitchen utensils
But it's a whisk I am willing to take.
Strong Young Man
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Idiot, get in."
I once dated a girl that collected magazines.
But she had too many issues.
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
As a Mathmatician…
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
My toddler just dad joked me.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.
I learned the name of Baby Yoda’s mother…
It's "Yomama"
Why donāt blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the dog.
A farmer isnāt just good at his job…
Heās out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
Three college graduatesāone in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economicsāsit for a job interview.
The question theyāre all asked is āWhatās 2+2?ā The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, āA solution exists.ā The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, ā3. But weāll make it 5 just to be safe.ā The Economics graduate locks the door behind him, closes the curtains over the windows, and finally whispers, āHow much do you want it to be?ā
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the manās wife says, āKeep it on porn, you already know how to fish.ā
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
I canāt believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go?
I saw my son reading Fahrenheit 451, and I asked him whether he liked it.
He said, āIts pretty lit.ā
