This is genius
Doctor! Doctor! I’m really concerned about this mole on my shoulder!
Doctor: I'm a Dermatologist, not a veterinarian.
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Why do French tanks have rearview mirrors?
So they can see the battlefield.
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the buildings
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline
Jerry can
Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?
This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Hey girl, are you a Communist?
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
Don’t know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I’d won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
In The Matrix, Neo’s mother was good at addition
She knew how to carry The One
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Roommate: If you keep stealing all my kitchen utensils than I’m moving out!
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs.
Make sure you get plenty of sleep tonight
Tomorrow we begin a 31 day March!
God said to John, “come fourth and you will receive eternal life”,
John came fifth and won a toaster.
my 7YO hit me with this one this morning
7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!
Whats Gordon Ramsay’s favourite sub-reddit.
IT'S FUCKING R/AWW , YOU IDIOT!
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”
I’m not sure why we don’t classify churches as businesses.
They are for-prophet organizations, after all.
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one