This is it.

If horses gallop…
Do seahorses scallop?
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.
Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I haven’t put in a time yet.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir, just press the button.” Me: “OK. What now?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.” NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Ok.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? This is a microwave.”

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I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick…
They’re like “ooh I want to see it” But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”
No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl
They don’t like turning their back on family
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
Thank god Canada’s not the super power
or we’d all be sorry
My mate keeps buying cars
He’s got car owner virus
Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
Our mailman got a sex change
so we call him the postman now.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
No text found
Why did the “A” run away
There was a B
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York
And says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough". "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "this year they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own way.”
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
An asshole
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
Scientists have succeeded in growing human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves!
I went out with a one legged girl once who worked in a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
Sex on the job
Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!" Employee: "She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?" Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!" Employee: "I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!" Client: "You're the worst veterinarian of all time!"
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
6:30 is my favourite time.
Hands down.
You know being self quarantined isn’t even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
A married couple was in a terrible accident…
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?
Because it has no home button.
During this pandemic I’ve been drinking a lot of brake fluid
But it's okay because I can stop whenever I want
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, “Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
Why did the DJ go to the farmers’ market?
To get some fresh beets.
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
I asked 100 women what their favorite soap in the shower was.
The most popular response was: "How the fuck did you get in here?"
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."