This is just a horrible attempt to force an overused unfunny phrase
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
Why do dice prefer to be in groups of two?
Because then it's a pair-a-dice
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
There is a petition circulating on Twitter and Facebook calling on Canada to invade the US.
https://ift.tt/2UE9G6i
I keep a record of how much toffee I eat.
It’s my Heath Ledger.
Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.
I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
Where is truth produced?
In the fact-ory.
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
A Chinese man enters a Jew’s lingerie store…
-I want 20 black bras size 85 D. The Jew: -Of course, but black is rare color, so their price is 15$ for each one. -It does not matter, said the Chinese, -I'll pay. He took the purchase and left. After a week the Chinese returns again. -I want 30 black bras size 85 D. -Yes, of course, said the Jew, -but it's so hard to get them, so now their price jumped to $25 for each one. -It does not matter, I'll pay. said the Chinese, paying for the purchase. A week later, he comes again to the Store Jew. -I want 100 black bras size 85 D! -Yes, but their price has jumped a lot, the Jew said, -it is extremely difficult to deliver them; Now they are 55$ for each one, -It does not matter, I'll pay, replied the Chinese. As the jew packed the order, angry with curiosity, he asked: -Excuse me, but can you tell me what do you do with so many bras? -I cut them in the middle and sell as Jewish caps for 200$.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
I can list every single number that’s in Pi.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
https://ift.tt/2RX5hLx
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it is cheaper.
Why is soy sauce forbidden in fights?
Cause you should never Kikkoman when he’s down.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.
To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
I never know what to do during long flights…
… they're just so Boeing
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
Why couldn’t the colour blind man sell ice cream?
His cones don’t work.
What do you call the Mandalorian’s partner?
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)