This is just plain fucking stupid
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
Although my friend has a lot of hair, he’s paranoid about going bald.
I told him, “It’s all in your head.”
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y'know, one would've been enough.
This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: “What’s the matter?”…
"I found out my brother is gay" The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?" "I found out that my son is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Ok sir. What's the matter this time?" "I found out that my dad is gay." The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 50 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "Does anyone in your family like women?" "Apparently my wife does."
Never say c’rona virus.
That's how I contracted it.
What is yellow, but tastes like red paint
Yellow paint
I dated a twin once…
I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos
I can’t do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line I’m all set
Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.
I’ve been working on it tirelessly.
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said…
…I still love vista baby.
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
I saw a millennial chick at the supermarket and thought she looked odd.
Then I realised she can't even.
A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese. "Fuck, I missed!" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing. "Fuck, I missed" "Do not use that word, child, for God will smythe thy" Same thing happens a third time. Suddenly the Heavens open up and a lightning bolt strikes the priest down. An omnipresent voice, trembling with conviction says: "Fuck, I missed"
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
“Never thought our child would go that far.”
"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden