This is like a double homicide
It was a complete waist of time…
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
The captain was standing on the deck!
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
He wrote back "I can't complain"
and asked his wife if she wanted some. "How hard is it?" she asked. "About as hard as my dick," he replied. "Pour me some."
I just can’t part with it
I’m so glad it was a soft drink
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
I can't get out.
It's pretty oak, eh.
Me: Do you have any chameleons? Clerk: I have no fucking idea
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Rick, the guy who shit in your trumpet is here!"
The catapult worked well
His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!
“I don’t know. Have you seen my dad glasses?”
I was like: What the Hellman
Just a lintel bit of the time
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
Nothing, they were stuck up cunts
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.
But then he got bi with a little help from his friends.
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."