This is me
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers
So far all I have is 9.
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
Did they send me fathers?
When I asked for nuns?
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
MY SO left me because I’m too insecure
Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
[At the chameleon store]
Me: Do you have any chameleons? Clerk: I have no fucking idea
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
Whenever I’m sad my German friend throws bread at me
A nice game of gluten tag always cheers me up.
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered
It was like music to my arse
Buhdum tiss
https://ift.tt/2KD8QSE
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
How do you tell between a boy ant and a girl ant?
Drop it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's boyant
Dad (points at my foot): your sock has a hole in it!
Me (checking my sock): no it doesn’t! Dad: well, how did you get your foot in?
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"