This is none of your business. Keep scrolling.
Today a woman said she recognized me from her vegetarian club..
..but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
A scottish man was found dead after a serious bar fight…
The police are still searching for the person who kilt him.
I ate a clock today.
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
There’s a lot of big words you’re hearing little buddy, I know it’s confusing …
https://ift.tt/2KkFdp3
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
Getting fire training at work and was asked what steps to take in the event of a fire.
I said BIG ONES in the opposite direction of the fire….apparently the wrong answer.
Parent Teacher conference
A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." The father asks, "What happened?" "Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'" "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and asks, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet," the dad replies. The boy says, "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. The boy answers, "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, so I did. Then my right arm, so I raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I answer 'What, am I suppose to stand on my cock!?'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father, "Did you go by the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." The father asks surprised, "Why did you get expelled?" "They summoned me to the principal's office, and there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there?" the father asked. "That's what I said" the boy replies.
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
I was going to make myself an omelet this morning.
But then, I realized I would miss being a person so I didn't.
I got a job as a bullet…
I was fired immediately.
Want to hear a clean joke
Window cleaner
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
Wife: I have to tell you something, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
What do young male Spanish cows call each other?
Moo-chachos.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
A good number of my friends are racist.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?[NSFW]
Smallpox HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him.
This guy got really drunk. So drunk that his friends had to carry him. Next morning he wakes up in his own bed, clean, in his pijamas, his wife gone. Groggy as hell, he gets up and starts looking around. In the kitchen he finds an immaculate breakfast, eggs, bacon, coffee and 50 bucks. He finds a note from his wife: "Dearest beloved husband. I hope that my note finds you well. I have prepared this loving breakfast for you and I've left you 50 bucks to go and have a drink with your mates later. Lots of love." Stunned, the guy runs back upstairs and shakes his son awake. "What happened, boy? What's all this?" "Well dad, you came home absolutely pissed and mum was furious. We carried you up to your bedroom and when she started undressing your smelly clothes you began to push her and yell: Leave me alone you scank! I'm a married man!"
My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
Bob was in trouble
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
It’s a great time to be an ER doctor.
Business is really surgeon.
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”