This is not a cry for help
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.
I tried it and it just strained my eyes.
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
What does a Jew do to his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet.
Most only have 4 though.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.
It’s soda pressing.
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was
I said "Sir, this is 2020. You can use any printer you want".
Last year i was depressed and miserable,
But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
No text found
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Today, in honor of 4/20, I’m letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.
It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, 'My door is always open!'
The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.
That’s….sound advice.
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
How south is South Africa?
South AF
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
Ex-Wife
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars. Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!" Tom's reply: "I wasn't".
A joke without a punchline is like
No text found
