This is not a meme. CNN chyron today.
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store…
..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father’s nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, “Isn’t he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.” The father says, “From the smell of his fingers, I’d say our son-in-law.”
People say Facebook knows more about us than we do
Facebook still thinks I have friends.
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
For a second, I couldn’t decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.
Two blondes went out deer hunting…
…and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier." So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground." "Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our pick up."
If you boil a funny bone what does it become?
A laughing stock!
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
He’s good at saving
What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?
They don’t give shots to babies.
[NSFW] My office had an OSHA violation
It's Not Safe For Work
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
What is Gordan Ramseys favorite disney movie?
Its fucking FROZEN!
Did you hear about the dyslexic zombie?
He only eats Brians
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
Public Apology
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.
No interest
Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
Ask Reddit be like “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?”
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
This season of Earth is not realistic
So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story? I'm feeling Lost.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman.”
He said, “Thanks dad, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
My neighbours listen to great music
Whether they like it or not
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant