This is nuts
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
I told my wife I had the body of a young muscled and sexy man, she laughed real hard and me fun of me
Until she looked in the closet
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
“Susan?” “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!” “Very good. What about you, Johnny?” “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes, Sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true Father?” “Yes, it is, Sister.” “Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped
Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare
An Irishman walks into an American bar
He sits down and orders 3 beers. “You know, you don’t have to order these all at once – I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender. “Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin together,” and he chugs them all down. Every day for months, the Irishman comes in and does the same thing, until one day he orders only two beers. The bartender’s heart sinks, knowing the Irishman must have lost one of his brothers. “Im so sorry,” he says, “did one of your brothers pass?” “Of course not, they’re fine!” says the Irishman, “I’ve just quit drinkin!”
What do you have when you buy the wrong meat at the store.
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.
He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on. The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can't drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney" So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story. One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness… The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother…" The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it's not that!! It's just that I've given up drinking!"
What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was blown apart.
I like my women how I like my whiskey
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
Upon hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, Dave went to visit his 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When he asked how his grandfather died, his grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Dave told his grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
Always like this
Always like this
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
My girlfriend broke up with me. So i took her wheel chair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My girlfriend is a pornstar.
Should I let her know?
Guy: I’m hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace
The situation changes however, when I run out of children
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
Why doesn’t electricity like History class?
Because it’s only interested in current events.
I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.
She said, "That's a stupid name." I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
What do you call a beehive without an exit?
Unbelievable