This is our president
It’s fucking Frozen
A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the ass."
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
I guess oppozits attract
Crimes against piece
When it becomes apparent
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
Chinese takeout: $15.00 Gas to get there: $1.50 Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes… Riceless
Turned on and in the tub with me.
Those are my favourite one liners.
The new campaign is a killer
And now I'm no longer allowed in the library
It must have been something I said
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
Those damn mooselimbs.
Because he’s got little legs.
Too many Maine characters.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
But I stand corrected.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
I'm not buying it
Someone who’s career is in ruins
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.
While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe. The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked……her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying with all his effort to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' Nervously he followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her bathrobe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him……… 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears!!!' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?' 'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural…… I work out every day and my Ass is firm and solid…….i have a 28 inch waist……. Look at my skin – not a blemish anywhere!!!!' How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?!' Clearing his throat, he stammered …. 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming that was me.'
But anal will make her hole weak.
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry