“This is outrageous!”
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana.
When orders for acetone, benzene and methanol plummeted…
…the chemical plant became insolvent…
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri
My to doo list
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
My wife said sex has become a chore.
So for mothers day I've hired her some help.
I was wondering why Music was coming from my printer..
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
Asked me girlfriend if I was the only one she’d ever been with
She replied “yes, the rest were nines and tens”
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
I stubbed my toe against a gold bar
Au Au Au
From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?
You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)
What did the mummy say after his therapy session?
Thanks doc, it was so hard keeping all that under wraps
Studies say obesity is the main cause of erectile dysfunction
Time to get joggin’ ladies
What do you call a stolen Tesla
An Edison
I just lost my mood ring
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”
My dog ate my computer science homework
It took him a couple of bytes
I named my dick sgt. Hartman.
Cause it's good at drilling privates.
The Bard’s barber often asked him if he preferred a clipper cut.
And every time, William spake "shears."