This is perfect!
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
How do fortune tellers greet each other?
You’re good, how am I?
How do astronauts say sorry?
They apollo-gise
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
Scottish Humor
It’s called a “Kilt” because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. 🙂
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
I finally got myself a girlfriend!
I wish I could post this in another subreddit…
Knowing that she will have more money than any of us will have in a life time.
https://ift.tt/2QbPKEP
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are okay by themselves, but get horribly racist when 3 of them get together.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a stranger. He asked, “Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I’m not a serial killer?”.
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
My wife gets turned on by shopping
It seems she's buy-sexual
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
My son joined a group of people that are sexually attracted to young horses.
I'm worried he may be in a colt
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
“I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds”
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse…
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?
A threesome.
Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on “How to identify if a guy is gay”.
Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.
What did the pirate say on his 80th bday
AYE MATEY
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
I finally lost it with the hoarding!
Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you done? Cuz I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…”
An airplane was about to crash…
There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump said, I am much loved and also the smartest president to have ever ruled in America. So my people don’t want me to die. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the pope, said to the 4th passenger a 10yr old schoolboy, “My boy I am old and have lived a long life, you are young and deserve to live yours, I will sacrifice myself and let you take the last parachute!” The young boy replied “That’s ok your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for the both of us, America’s smartest President took my school bag!”
