This is real ngl
This caught me so off guard
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high….
She looked surprised…
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
But, but, but her emails..
What’s the definition of Insanity?
Always remember: if it doesn’t fit the monitor, get a bigger monitor
I entered a pun contest once
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot
Then why did the plane crash?
I just want to code…
Haha no ear
Round young virgin
enough tik tok
Steam is hot
Admit it, you don’t even like my maths, you’re just using me for my theorems!
Ah yes, comedy gold
That moment where all started!
just a virus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Long one, sorry.
Once upon a time there was a little town called Trid. The Trids were an industrious people who traded with other towns outside of their little valley. One day, a giant appeared on the hilltops surrounding Trid. Every time a trade caravan would leave, the giant would kick them back down the hill. Over the days, the Trids began to grow afraid that they would starve without their bustling trade economy, so they held a town meeting to figure out what to do about the giant. They decided to try and reason with him before they would fight him, and that the wisest among them should go out the following day. Unanimously, they elected the town Rabbi as the wisest man. So the next day, the Rabbi went out to speak to the giant. He got kicked back down the hills before he could even say a word. He went up a second time with the same result. Although battered and bruised, he tried one last time. Before the giant could kick him he yelled out, "Stop!" And the giant actually stopped. "What is it?" the giant asked. "I'm the local Rabbi and I represent the Trids" the Rabbi replied. "We want to you to stop kicking us down the hills or we'll starve. Will you stop kicking us?" The giant looked down at him with a gleam in his eyes and a slight smile on his lips and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
I’m scared to go back to old projects because of this
Sums up almost all programmers on Instagram
Twitter, it’s now or never
Defender of the Second Amendment…
Google trying to be helpful
Stork mother throws one of her chicks out of the nest
Why doesn’t Mike Tyson use a PlayStation?
Because he’s an X-Boxer
Your favourite font
So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.
Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared" Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
Thanos has a favorite social media
So Much For That
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
Dad jokes are at all all-time high during quarantine times
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Merry Christmas To All You IT Guys and Gals!
I got an ad for peak comedy
They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Vampire scared of sunlight
No one in this administration is capable of telling the truth.
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today’s meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop…
I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room…
Oh yeah, but let’s keep blaming “The Establishment”
(R)ules only apply to the enemies of the agenda 🇺🇸
Yes, i programme PHP…
Sometimes my genius… It’s almost frightening.
I like chemistry
I want my money back
Whats red and smells like yellow paint
Me naming the variables
Just a scarf
Haha print goes brrrr.
An accurate version
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
Frank is cracking dad jokes even after death.
Son: what's in that fancy beer mug on the mantel? Me: Well that's your uncle frank. That's where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer Stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why. Son: Maybe it's so he could be frank in stein? Me: That SON OF A BITCH
I love Calvin and Hobbes but kinda boomer.
Everytime I swear!
My highschool’s password security is on point [OC]
Nice try CNN