This is real.
The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.
They're the Tolkien white guys.
Why don’t people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
The John Lennon Airport has been quarantined
Imagine all the people
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to an Egyptian family and is named Amal while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends his picture to his birth mother, who upon receiving it tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. His husbands responds,"They are twins, if you have seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
How to you send an apology by telegraph?
By using remorse code.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
“Beatles or Stones?” I asked my son.
"Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds
Who is Stan?
And how did he get so many countries named after him?
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
Today I was at the bank when two man came in with masks…
Such a relief when they said it was just a bank robbery.
What two things can you never eat for Breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner (not an original, but I thought it was funny :p)
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
A buddy of mine wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to send him 10 of my best puns to make him feel better.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
I’m tired of all these forced gender neutral terms
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend