tHiS iS sAvaGE
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
The hardest part about babysitting-
-is dealing with all the… spills!!!
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane…
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
A farmer buys a young cock
A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one. When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die" The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees. "I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around" The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"
What is Gordon Ramsey’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww!
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich…
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!'' "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly. The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?" The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".
You can’t run in a campsite, you can only ran
Because it’s past tents
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
A woman was in court being sentenced for beating her husband to death with his electric guitars…
Judge: First offender? Woman: No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 45-minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
I was told to post this here.
This here.
Dude, where’s my
https://ift.tt/2pry5ze
Neighbor’s Sign On Front Door: “No Visitors.”
Name under sign: N. Vitamin
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Give a man a fish, and he won’t see you dump the body in the lake.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the police arrive.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence
Why do gay people laugh at everything?
Because they cant keep a straight face
If I had 50 cents for everytime I failed a math test..
I would have $6.38.
I was going to tell a joke about Noble gases,
But I knew I'd get no reaction.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
