tHiS iS sAvaGE
What do bees say to psych themselves up at the start of their day?
"Leeeeeetttttssss get rrrrrrrrrready to Buuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbbbbllllllleeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!"
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow that has been knighted? Sir Loin What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky What do you call a cow that dies in a helicopter crash? Kobe Beef
If 6ix9ine serves his 47 years…
he’ll be the first mumble rapper to finish a sentence
How does a farmer count his cows?
He uses a COWculater.
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
If your nose runs and your feet smell
you're built upside down.
I want to start a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time.
It will be called "Do You Have The Skillet Takes"
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
Last year, my friend told me he’s quitting his job to pursue a miming career.
I haven’t heard from him since.
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
Ever wondered what to say to your sister when she’s crying ?
“Are you having a crisis ?”
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up…
He said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.
What did the big traffic light say to the little traffic light?
Don’t look while I’m changing!
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t know I existed…
A waiter once asked me: “Do you wanna box for your leftovers?”
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
On the news: “nearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every year”
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
Archaeologists digging on a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
Experts believe it to be Pharaoh Roche.
What did the mouse use to build his house?
Cottage cheese
Epileptic Santa!
"He seizures when you're sleeping."
People think I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid
I always say, “I can stop whenever I want.”
I slipped on my wife’s bra today…
It was a booby trap
I had a cracker for lunch.
First square meal I've had in days.
Damn girl are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day.
You are under arrest
Police: You are under arrest! Me: Why? Police: Because you transport 6 people at once on a single motorcycle. Me: Did you say six? Police: that is correct, six! Me: Damn it, we have lost Chantal.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover his butt quack
Why is suicide illegal in China ?
Destruction of government property.
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
NSFW.. Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
How does Bill Gates count to ten?
1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
They say “You are what you eat”, and they are right.
A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken.
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop…
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?
The aftermath.
You know your dad has had one too many when
He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal When you ask for money he doesn't treat it like a cross examination at a war crimes tribunal His dance moves suddenly triple in number
