This is shit
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Principal: What is 3+3? Boy: 6. Principal: 6+6. Boy: 12. The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed. Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2? Boy: Legs. Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have? Boy: Pockets. Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut. Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge Boy: Bubble gum. Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent. The principal was looking restless. Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?. Boy: Wedding ring. Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good? Boy: Nose. Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow. Principal: OH MY GOD. Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand? Boy: Fork. Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage? Boy: Surname. Principal: Ohooo! Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love? Boy: Heart. Principal: Eeeeeh! The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"
A woman is pregnant with triplets.
She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them. The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy. 13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later she sees the son laughing hysterically and approaches him and asks what's the matter. The son replied, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
I met a man standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing.
He said βOh, I was just checking my balanceβ
,,,,,
Chameleon
An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him…
… the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Why Americans donβt use metric?
Foot fetish
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site.
The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled… "SUPPLIES!!"
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
I just had a physical, the doctor said βdonβt eat anything fattyβ
I said βlike bacon and burgers?β He said βno fatty, donβt eat anything!β
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: βHow can you say such a thing?β
Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
I canβt afford anything.
One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldnβt get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldnβt reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldnβt reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, βHow dare you touch my body that way; I donβt even know you!β Shocked, the man says, βWell, maβam, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends.β
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming…
Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!
Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed?
They were Wright
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
A man tells his friend, “I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl.”
His friend asks, "Who?"
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that Iβm going for a jog, and then I donβt.
Itβs my longest running joke of the year.
Top tier dad joke
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know Iβm not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dadβ’aβ’base
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
My wife asked me to get some of the pills that would help me get an erection.
So I got her some diet pills.
My therapist hates it when I stand in the corner of the waiting room, blowing air at people.
Itβs annoying, but Iβm a big fan.
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
I just found out thereβs no popcorn in popcorn shrimp
I guess thereβs no need to try pot roast.
Where does Black Panther stay when he’s in New York?
His wakondo.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow Iβm returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
Itβs a five minute walk from my house to the pub. Itβs a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, PokΓ©monβs with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, PokΓ©monβs with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
Scientists got bored of watching the earth turn so after 24 hours
they called it a day
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing