This is so accurate amirite😂😂😂😂😂
I need one of these.
Officer: Where did the hacker escape to?
Me: I don't know, he just ransomware.
I recreated the discord meme bot in telegram.
Anyway Please Pay Tax
Why is she sad???
Makes you wanna think before “discard”
An advice was given to a depressed car
It was: you have no more energy to live, you just need to fuel more yourself.
Raised by boomers = boomer humor
Why do flamingos sleep with one leg up?
Because if they slept with both legs up they would fall over. My 14yo daughter just dropped this one on us.
Also the angles
We are all [synonym for socialists] on this blessed day
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Fill it with spring water.
Imagine getting this card though..
Releasing into the wild
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
What’s on the inside of a fire hydrant?
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
you underestimate my acceptable margin of error
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
For the n-th time, that’s not what we do
Boomers can’t technology very well.
An old Jew on his deathbed
A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here." He then says: "Are my children — my wonderful children — are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here … why is the light on in the kitchen?"
How dare you threaten my freedoms!!!!
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, “Help! Shark! Help!”
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…
Stolen from Facebook , wholesome AF
Because we’re poor
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
That Was Fast
Entrance next doo
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
Well yes, but actually no
A world without women….
It would be a pain in the ass
The farmer and his wife needed a new bull…
There was a man who lived on a farm with his wife in the middle of nowhere. All they owned was a truck, a few cows, and an old bull. They didn't have much, but they were happy. One day, the farmer woke up and found that the bull had died. He went to his wife and said, "I take our money into the town and buy us a new bull. I know you need the truck here to keep the farm running, so when I get us a bull, I'll send you a telegraph so you know when to pick us up." His wife went and got the money and then said goodbye. The farmer arrived in town late that day and had to get a hotel room. The next morning he only had 401 dollars left. He went to the market and was able to buy a strong, young bull with the 400 dollars. It had been a long time since he had been to town, but as long as the telegraph prices hadn't gone up, he should be able to send a full sentence to his wife with his dollar. When he arrived at the post office, he said to the telegraph operator: "I need to send a message to my wife so she can pick up my bull and I. How much is a word?" "Prices went up a few years ago," replied the operator. "A word is 1 dollar." "Oh no," said the farmer "I can only send one word!" He thought for a little while and then said, "Ok, send my wife the word 'comfortable.'" "Comfortable? Are you sure?" asked the operator. "My wife has a 4th grade education," the farmer replied. "When she reads she has to sound each word out syllable by syllable. So when she sees the word comfortable, she'll read it as 'come-for-ta-bull.'"
Trump: “It came out of nowhere, I wish they’d told us earlier”
I love all the eras of macOS UI equally
Why don’t ghosts like rain on halloween?
It dampens theirs spirits.
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.
Coins good. Credit cards bad.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
I was told I should be a stand up comedian
But I prefer sitting
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
Saw this at an antique shop
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
How do you think the unthinkable?
Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.
Looks less, but it’s 180.
I just took an AND test
Turns out I’m 100% dyslexic.
Scientists have finally figured out how much sleep a teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
She messed up.
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant….
But then I changed my mind!
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans…
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
¿Por que no Los dos?
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
Then come notification prompts
I had a flashback when he said that.
Subtle message from Stephen King
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
He’s a good buoy
Does this count?
Wife bad driver
Found at school!
It only takes 20 seconds Mr Paul.
Not cool, dude
HTML coders thinking they know how to program
Mr Bus Driver
A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.
She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this." And she agrees. That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats belowdeck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn. But. After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection belowdecks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear. "WHAT are you doing here, madam??" And she tells all, "I…I'm a stowaway! I have an…arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food." "And?" says the captain "And…well. He's screwing me." and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
Imagine if Americans decided to switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be a mass confusion.
Give ’em hell, Robert!
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?
His name was Rick O'Shea