This is so accurate amirite😂😂😂😂😂
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
I heard this one from my raughty mother. I dont know if it is original :)
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’ Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’ The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’ Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’ That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’ Little Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’ The teacher fainted…
I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms
And they’ll all be open from 11 to 3 daily
What’s the opposite of a mermaid?
Land Ho!
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
Well, to be Frank, i’d have to change my name
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A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
Three dads are stranded on a boat
Three dads are stranded on a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. They begin to accept the inevitable and they all agree to smoke one last cigarette together before succumbing to starvation and dehydration. They open up the last pack of cigarettes to find the final four cigarettes. As they hold the cigarettes in their mouth, they quickly realize they have no way to light them. Each of them sit in silence puzzling over the situation they find themselves in. Finally one dad exclaims he has a solution, he takes the last cigarette out of the pack and toss it overboard. He then says to the other two dads “Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter!”.
A big shout out to sidewalks
They kept me off the streets
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
Not Enough Candles? No Problem! (Finally Found a Use For Binary In Real World)
https://ift.tt/2LQoHNK
I stayed up all night trying to figure out why the sun disappears…
…then it dawned on me.
I’ll never forget my Uncle’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one talks about…
…the other four letters?
My wife is really angry because I have no sense of direction
So I just packed up my things and right
Two guys are on opposite sides of a river.
One yells to the other "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" The other responds "You are on the other side!"
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
Apparently someone in my town has been stealing the wheels off police cars
They’ve been working tirelessly to find him
What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue
Damn girl are you a redditor?
Cause you just keep repeating the same shit
I tied all my watches to my belt
too bad it was a waist of time.
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
This is a little long so get ready
So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever." The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it. A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma." Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever." A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!" Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-" The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!" ~this is my first post so ╮(─▽─)╭ ~
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack.
The gunstore owner says: She just fell into my arms
Fuck Keanu Reeves
Well, that’s the plan, anyways
An atheist is hiking in the woods…
So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror，‟ Oh God，help me!!!” Suddenly，everything–the bear，the trees，the birds，everything but the man–freezes. The man sees the clouds part as a deep heavenly voice reaches his ears. ‟So，all your life，You deny My existence，yet now you call for My aid now that death is upon you? I am sorry，My son，but it is too late.” The atheist thinks quickly. ‟Well，God，if it is too late for me to become a Christian，how about you just convert the bear?” Time begins moving again，and the bear immediately stops its roaring，kneels quietly and respectfully，and begins speaking. ‟O Lord，bless this meal in which I am about to partake…”
I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.