this is so bad
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
They were watch dogs.
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I’m looking for a turn-off.”
I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”
What’s the easiest food to eat?
A piece of cake.
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
My friend with the lazy eye just lost his job as a teacher.
He had a real hard time controlling his pupils.
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
I invented a new word
Plagiarism!
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator
Only a fraction of people will get it
Yesterday I got mugged by six dwarves
Not happy
What site do you use to get captions like this? (The text above the image)
What site do you use to get captions like this? (The text above the image)
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
I was at a party and every one had a cold.
Yo it was sick!
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
What do you get if you cross James Bond with a blind dinosaur?
Spynosawus. … I'll just see myself out
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
My neighbours listen to great music
Whether they like it or not
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What’s the difference between a pest and vermin?
Walt Disney.
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, "That makes two of us".
A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.
Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell her that she must bang you to go to heaven, you are set to go”. Excited, the man goes out And buys the best God costume in the country.Later that night, dressed as God, the man tiptoes into the cemetery and sees the nun praying.Having recited his lines, he goes to the nun and says, “if you want to go to heaven, we must bang”. To his surprise, the nun agreed and they proceeded to have rough anal sex. After he finished, he threw off his God costume and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The Man from the bus!” The nun threw off its clothes and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The bus driver!”
A new study shows 9/10 people who are afraid of hurdles…
Never get over it.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2
Drinking American beer is the same as having sex on a canoe.
It’s f*cking close to water.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet