this is so great
Why did the ‘A’ go to the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
It had a vowel movement.
Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
How meaning of how Adam and Eve came to be
So basically you know when ur high you feel funny and stuff. Yeah so when the universe was made it made humans like this feeling high all the time and then the humans eventually made a amichane to stabilize the damasion and only had two people of the race left because all the others killed them self eventually and so Adam and Eve are the unstable humans and after zapinf them selfs with the beam they came to the niw stabaliEd timension and reset the world by.accident and. The material to make the machine was smooked weed and so when you smoke weed or stuff and get high you accidentally go to a realm in-between both stabaliEd and unstabaluzwd dimasion and so you feel high because euyr In 3 and 1. (stabaliEd version dimasion) and you are feeling millions of years of knowledge and memories so it’s too much for your head and you get high she to loss of blood in the head. Freaking world out there people. Love you all goodnight . Garfield oh shit he is behind me aahhh gnandrgfiwld orange cat aaa. Om nom nom. mmmm -garfield (last oart). ……..(bye/night)
My wife and I don’t want any kids
My kids are upset about that decision.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym
Because no one can spot him
I got the words, “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
Was searching for calculator project in github. Saw this. It belongs to here.
https://ift.tt/34G8X7p
A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
I love jokes about monorails.
Those are my favourite one liners.
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
What did the tailor give to the lawyer?
A lawsuit!!
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
“I made a pencil with two erasers.”
"It was pointless."
Where do I store all of my dad jokes?
In my dad•a•base
I was thinking of going as a band-aid for Halloween, but then decided against it.
It would be really hard to pull off.
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
My teeth need to be fixed.
They keep moving around.
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.
Finding chemo.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.