this is so unnecessary
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
By then heβs a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.
He wasnβt happy
A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.
"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once." "Why?" her son replied. "Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!" The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."
A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
With great reflexes comes great response ability
No text found
βSon In Iraq I killed 15 people.β
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
Itβs a vicious cycle.
Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years, they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend, and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didnβt much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man. βWell, I donβt really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I donβt know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except a…β said the old man, and then he stopped. βExcept what?β asked the businessman. βNothing, nothing,β said the old man. βCβmon, tell me! I need something!β protested the businessman.βWell, sir, I donβt usually mention this, but there is the βvoodoo dildo,ββ the old man said. βThe voodoo dildo?β the businessman asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, βBig fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!β The old man said, βBut you havenβt seen what itβll do yet.β He pointed to a door and said βVoodoo dildo, the door.β The voodoo dildo rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, βVoodoo dildo, box!β The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, motionless. The businessman said, βIβll take it!β The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, βVoodoo dildo, my pussy.β He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone. After heβd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dildo. She lay down, placed the box between her legs, and said βVoodoo dildo, my pussy!β The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing sheβd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided sheβd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off! So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much sheβd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadnβt been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her pussy, and wouldnβt stop screwing her. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, βYeah, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!"
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse Code
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
He was afraid of Capitalism.
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He tractor
Your mom is so fat
Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat. [EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum Wow, thanks for the support guys
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He'll be born in April
My friend David lost his ID…
Now I call him Dav.
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I donβt know what to do with the letters
Strap in for a long one…
So there's this boy, he's 7 years old, and he has a real passion for tractors. He tells everyone when he grows up, he wants to work at JCB building tractors. His bedroom walls are covered in John Deere posters. He spends hours and hours watching farmers tend to their fields with he equipment he holds in such high regard. When he watches TV it's about tractors. It's all he thinks about, all he talks about and all he's ever dreamed of. His 8th birthday is coming up and his Dad asks him. "Son, what would you like for your birthday?" The boy doesn't hesitate. "All I want for my birthday is a tractor ride." Dad ruffles his hair and says "Son. I'll see what I can do" Sure enough, the boy's 8th birthday rolls around. Dad straps him into the car and tells the boy he's a surprise for him. They arrive some minutes later at a farm. This is when the boy twigs. As the boy had expected, the farmer comes out and exclaims "Boy, do I have a surprise for you!". He leads him to the tractor, jumps in and sits the boy on his lap. He sets off on the journey the little man had always dreamed of. After some time, the Farmer asks "Hey birthday boy, wanna drive?". The boy is stunned, he has reached the pinnacle, life cannot possibly get better. So he's driving along, living the dream. Out of nowhere a little girl runs out in front of the tractor. Disaster. He strikes the girl with a sickening crack. The scene is devastating. The boy is stunned. When he gets home, he tears all his posters off the wall. Disavows tractors, farmers, farms, the lot. He spends whole days crying. He swears never to think about tractors again. Fast forward some years and he's a young man, on his way home from work when he comes across a burning building. He sees the firefighters struggling. He breaths out deeply and inhales so vigorously that he sucks all the oxygen away, starving the flame, saving the day. The firefighters ask "hey, how did you do that" He turns to them and replies. "I'm an Extractor Fan."
The best dad jokes are unplanned
My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue. βWell, thereβs glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..β My 8 year old chimes in, βDaddy, whatβs snoo?β My immediate response? βNot much, whatβs new with you?β My journey to the dark side has been complete.
(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN
Ha! I just foiled your plan!
When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…
3.14% of sailors are…
Ο-rates.
I need some help fixing my new pen.
Anyone have any tips?
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked βHow fast do you think a hearse can go?β
Me: I donβt think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard