This is so wrong omg
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Our bone spurious potus didn’t give a tinker’s blink
You can’t kill what is already dead
Phones = Bad
What is a Cannibal?
Someone who is fed up with people.
Growing old in America
Ass wipes they are
You are to eat healthier in 2020 – I still have much work for you
robin: the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
None Could Compare!
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
So this might have been posted before but…
A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom. She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week! The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit. A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day. The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. “Why is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses. That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit. They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night. About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.
Doing my homework the teacher sent us this comic strip
My local movie theater got robbed of $1000 yesterday…
The thieves made off with two medium cokes, a large bag of popcorn and some M&M’s.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
Well at least he wasn’t alone
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
What a clever Grandma!
Probably done before
this relates to beginners more but idk.
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson go on a camping trip. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes up John and says, "Watson, what do you see when you look up at the sky?" Watson looks up and says, "I see millions of stars." Sherlock says, "Well, what can you deduce from that?" After a moment's thought, Watson says, "Since there are so many stars,logically some of them must have planets orbiting them. And if some of those stars have planets, logically some must be able to support life. And if some could support life, logically some must. Therefore, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?" Sherlock says, "No, Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."
Ah quarantine. Thank you for the sad laugh.
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
You can’t hide from the truth.
Pilot, copilot joke.
Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges. They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me quarter flaps. Copilot adds quarter flaps. They get closer. The pilot says, "Damn, this runway's is pretty short. Give me half flaps. Copilot looking a bit nervous gives him half flaps. The pilot now is getting pretty nervous, "crap that's a short runway, give me three quarter flaps!" The copilot starting to sweat gives me three quarter flaps. They're about to touch down. The pilot yells, "holy crap this is a short runway! Give me full flaps!" The copilot panicking gives him full flaps. They touch down apply full brakes and reversers and somehow manage to stop the plane. After they come to a halt, the pilot wipes his brow and says, "damn! That was the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks around and says, "yeah, but sure is wide".
probably will become the most hated video..
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Black Mirror outdoing themselves
Funny, Sad and Scary
What do snowmen call their kids?
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
A total disgrace.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
When your employer tries to tell you which IDE to use
My dad didn’t laugh so hopefully you’ll enjoy.
Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work. Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner" Me "No, I would say you look about 40" Not even a chuckle from him 😒
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
America’s almost finished switching to the metric system.
But they've got miles to go.
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Day 63 of lockdown
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg’s jokes
I still do, but I used to too
actual post by an actual boomer, cropping and everything
Modern music bad
Peek aunt humor is always about drinking wine/“I’m lazy”/“I’m a bitch”
There’s quite a crowd at the lego store
They are lined up for blocks.
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the hoast ask the other two : How do you split your money with the Lord ? "I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest. The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" . "How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest. I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
This bear has seen it all
“They were the best boos, the greatest boos, nobody gets boos like me let me tell you!”
Phone always bad
This belongs here.
Heartbreaking: pardoned war criminal can’t get a job at Walmart
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
An interesting tittle
Trump walks into a bar
and lowers it
Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
School bad (found on Facebook)
Lowkey kinda hot…
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs.
That’s some proper magic