This is the best one yet
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver…
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
An excited Muslim comes to heaven’s gates.
He asks saint Peter: "I'd like to see Mohammed. Do you know where he is?" "Mohammed? He's not here. I'm just the gatekeeper. You'll need to go higher." And so the Muslim enters. He sees Mary the god bearer sitting on a bench. "Excuse me. Do you know where I could find Mohammed?" "Mohammed? I think he's at work. You'll need to go higher." Having ascended all the way to the top, he sees Jesus standing before him. "Christ, highest of prophets. I'm looking for Mohammed. Please show me the way." "Mohammed you say? You'll need to go higher." Saying that, Jesus rises his hand and a stairway appears. Thankful, the Muslim goes up the long steps. Suddenly, he finds himself in what looks like an office. God, radiating with divine light, welcomes him. "What do you seek?" "Can I see Mohammed?" "Of course but why the rush. Come. Sit down. Would you like a coffee?" "Yes please." "Mohammed! Two coffees please"
Zombie Mr. Clean
wants your draaaiiins
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
I was pissed off at my buddy Mark who borrowed my dictionary and refuses to return it.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
“I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds”
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
Why did the bowling alley close down?
The staff went on strike.
Coding in binary takes a lot of effort.
You have to do it bit by bit.
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
My coworker went to HR and filed a complaint against me after I praised her butt.
Say what you want, harassment something to me.
Just so everybody’s clear…
I'm going to put my glasses on..
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: “Ten dollars.” The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
Just wanted to comment something I’m pretty upset about, but I didn’t knew where to post
A random woman was wearing a mask and she took it off to cough, I don’t know if it’s in purpose but she almost literally coughed on me
My grandfather’s in hospice, Dad asked him “how are you feeling?”
With my hands. OG dad joker till the end. Love you Grandfather.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
hope this hasnt been posted already, but here goes
what did the buffalo say to his son when he left? bi-son
Scientists got bored of watching the moon for 24 hours
So they called it a day.
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
The wife’s leaving me because of my sexual fetishes
I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto
Why haven’t Aliens visited our Solar System yet? …
They looked at the reviews… Only 1 star.
How do you tickle a rich girl?
Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci'
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes
She hugged me
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
What did one French man say to the other French guy.
I don’t know. I don’t speak French.
An Indian who was too modern was elected as chief of the tribe
Fall was upon this remote reservation when the tribe asked their new Chief what the coming winter was going to be like. The modern day Chief had never been taught the secrets of the ancients. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Better safe than sorry, he said to himself and told his tribe that the winter was indeed expected to be cold and that the members of the village should stock up on firewood to be prepared. After several days, our modern Chief got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption…
She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East. Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have been. After months of searching, the investigator comes back to her with only a single photo of the boy adopted out to the Mexican couple. "There's no photo of the other child!?" the woman says, dismayed. The investigator shrugs. "Geeze, lady! They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package…
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)