This is the funniest shit I’ve seen all goddamn week
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
They just seem so pointless to me.
What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
Lucky it was a soft drink
It’s fully groan.
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate ……. But I still wish he hadn't
A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog sits next to him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "what's with the frog?" The man looks at the woman and says, "this is my pet frog. He's very special." "Why?", asked the woman. " Well, I've taught this frog how to pleasure women orally." The woman laughs, but the man is serious. After more drinks the woman agrees to let the man prove it. So they go out back to the man's car, the woman drops trou, and the man places the frog between her legs and tells the frog, "Alright buddy, go to town." The frog just sits there doing nothing. "Come on, man. Don't be shy!" Still, the frog does nothing. "This is your moment to shine!" But the frog doesn't move. So the man picks up the frog, looks the frog in the eyes and says, "This is the last time I'm gonna show you how to do this!!"
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
And it still didn't tell my why it crossed the road!!!
The more ohms, the greater the resistance.
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
No text found
It left a ro-dent
"I'm not Willie Nelson."
To get its pedigree.
My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly
Running out of gas!
He bent down to pet it, and screamed "it's fucking r/aww!"
They don’t give shots to babies.
He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?" The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave." "You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/shey pronouns."
She was seeing someone else.
They both border on stupidity.
I prefer to see it as a plus
I can’t believe I missed all the red flags
but later decided to let it go.
Because there’s more birds on that side.
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
All the red flags.
Which sucks because he had a great fall
It's alright, nobody came.
Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true? Dad: To be honest, i never knew she sold flowers.
All of them.
I mean, it's not very hard.
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."