This is the meanest insult
Children are like farts
You can only tolerate your own
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels…
She didn’t even know I existed…
I used to work at an unemployment office…
which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
What did the officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
What kind of STD’s do fish get?
Merm-aids
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.
After rubbing on it, a genie pops out! The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The genie asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn’t exist.
He was clearly out of the loop.
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children’s home.
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
I’m a 40-year old with the body of a 20-year old.
Just need to find a place to bury her.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My drug test came back negative..
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Space Mountain.
My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles
https://ift.tt/3b9An9b
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption “We could all learn from this guy”
https://ift.tt/2Udc17o
