This is the meanest insult
You can only tolerate your own
She didn’t even know I existed…
which sucked, because when they fired me, I still had to show up the next day.
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
The horse says "Sure."
You’re under a vest!
Who’s there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
After rubbing on it, a genie pops out! The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The genie asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
He was clearly out of the loop.
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
Those were the days
Just need to find a place to bury her.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
So I pushed her under a bus
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
My dad didn't beat cancer
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Because they love the high Cs.
To speak to the other side!
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):