This is Trump’s America
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
A German got pulled over by the Police in France.
Police Officer: Name? German: Heinrich Klimt Police officer: Age? German: 32 Police Officer: Occupation? German: No, no. Just visiting.
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
My earliest clear childhood memory is going with my parents to the eye doctor.
Life before that is a blur.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
“So is that a gun in your trousers or you are just happy to see me ?”
"Both , now get in the van ."
Man says to his boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!" The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!" The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me." She then collapses and dies from polio.
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.
Scene: I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid night. Story: With the heat and humidity I was finding it very hard to sleep, and had taken to watching some Japanese horror flicks on my laptop to kill some time. I had my headphones on since I needed to open all the bedroom windows (thanks to the heat) and I didn't want to disturb my neighbours. At a poignant part of the story in the movie, I could hear over the sound track a slow rhythmic masculine groan. After about a minute of confusion I realised that some of my neighbours were enjoying some casual coital union. The rhythmic groan picked up in frequency and amplitude, and was soon offset with his partners feminine "yes"es. Needless to say, I was no longer watching my horror movie and I was laughing hysterically, yet quietly, at this point into my pillow. Quickly their coital activities got to a point of "fever pitch" where the male neighbour announced, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum!" to which the female neighbour demands he "wait, and cum on my face!". Cue a series of climatic groaning and other such sounds of affirmation. Job done, the female announces that she's heading off to have a shower (good call) and goes to the bathroom to do so. All the windows are open it seems, as one can hear all the associated sounds of a shower hard earned. Upon her arrival back into the bedroom the female scolds her counterpart for lighting up and enjoying a cigarette in her absence, stating "Dammit you know that ciggie smoke irritates my sinuses!". Shortly after this statement, she sneezes loudly and impressively. At this point I turn towards my open window and say in a nice loud voice "Bless you!"… ..Silence… …An embarrassed scream. …And a Guinness World Record attempt in the number of windows closed in the shortest period of time possible. I nearly pissed myself laughing.
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
What do you call the wooden Batman?
Spruce Wayne
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice.
Dad joke
Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
I’m beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn’t actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
what did batman say to robin before they got in the batmobile?
“robin, get in the batmobile”
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs. “Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?” The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?” The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.” The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs: “Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?” The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says: “A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”
It’s absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on.
I’d be like, “Why y’all keep giving me all these dimes?”
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?” The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
