This is way too good to miss out
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints
Someone’s been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
What do you get from a pampered Cow?
Spoiled milk.
Another cow joke, proudly brought to you by a six year old:
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site? A bulldozer.
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
I dropped some tortilla chips and some cheese the other day.
My wife asked if I needed help to clean it up. I said don't worry it's nacho problem.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
What do you call a fight between E.T. and a man with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
My girlfriend says our lovemaking is so bad because I’m so easily distracted!…
Ah well..back to it I suppose
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why.
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didn’t like it at first.
I’m glad you like my tiny candles!
I really needed that votive confidence.
Angela Merkel is taking a holiday in Poland.
At the border, she's stopped by a border security officer. "Name?" asks the officer. "Angela Merkel," she says. "Occupation?" asks the officer. "Look, we said we were sorry," she replies.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper.
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDD EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
A man goes to a job interview.
"Well, everything looks great," the employer said. "But I see here there was an 8 year gap since your last job. What happened there?" "Oh, I went to yale," the man told him. "Neat!" The employer responded enthusiastically. "You're hired! You start on Monday." "Yay!" the man exclaimed. "I got a yob!"
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race
Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads Local nun has winning ass. She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads Nun has best ass in town. The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads Nun shows entire county her ass. The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is Nun offers her ass for £50. The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. Nun desperate for someone to own her ass. A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. Bishop loves nun's ass. The priest faints.
Where do sheep get their haircut?
At the baa baa shop!
I found out my toaster isn’t waterproof
I was shocked
Alabama and Lousiana here’s your chance to show America you’re not who we think you are
https://ift.tt/33jE0FJ
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’